Day 14

Not all those who wander are #lost. - J. R. R. Tolkien

Day 364

Today's photo inspiration is #sparkle

"In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't." -Blaise Pascal

Day 356

Today's inspiration is #lights

Life is short. Hold on to every bright #light you can to illuminate this sometimes dark world. 

Surgery Tomorrow

Trying to figure out if wearing sequins to surgery tomorrow is overdoing it...decisions decisions 

Day 334

Todays' photo inspiration is #open-minded.

 "Books and minds only work when they are open" - James Dewar 

Day 331

Today's photo inspiration is #candlelight

"We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight." - Milton Berle :) 

Jackson Pratt's Blues Band

Ok..So that's not really a thing. But it felt like it should be. Their music would suck tho'.

Jackson Pratt is the name of the guy(s) who invented the grenade shaped bulb draining system that is typically used post mastectomy surgery. There is a clear tube inside of you at the surgical site that connects to a bulb on the outside of your body. These drains help to pull all the fluid out of the "dead space" inside of you so it doesn’t collect and form seromas or hematomas or infections. So they are pretty important in the healing process but boy do I hate them with a vengeance..

I mean HATE!

I had two on each side of my body after surgery and after about a week two were removed and I was left with the remaining two that I was originally told I would have in for an additional 2-3 weeks.

Unfortunately that time line extended way beyond original expectations and I just FINALLY  got them out on Friday!!!! 

I'm not quite sure I have the words to explain how happy I was to get them out. It was imperative they get removed at this point because it had a huge part in fueling the depression that had pulled up a chair and made itself at home in my mind and spirit.

There is nothing nice about having to literally see your body’s fluids (and sometimes tissue) collect every day in this bulb that you have to measure and dispose of twice a day. I can never repay the kindness of my friends who helped me in those first several weeks, those who had the awful job of cleaning and measuring and dumping my body fluids because I was too weak and in too much pain to do it myself.

But as time went on and I had more strength I started taking care of them myself hoping that every time I went to the doctor that would be the day I would get them removed. The body can only absorb about 30 cc of fluid on its own safely after most surgeries and up until this past week I was way above those numbers. As my constant companions they were the unfortunate reminders that there was nothing "free" about being cancer free.

So I got the blues.

I guess it would be hard not to as you could imagine but the drains were only a part of it. I'm working on turning it around and maybe I’ll write about it in more details later but I'll just say that while I have my good moments, the last couple of weeks have been the worst part for me and there are days where I feel so bad I stay in bed all day and the tears just flow without warning.

Being in so much pain has definitely not helped and unfortunately I have developed some severe nerve pain not only from the mastectomy but in my leg from a previous car accident almost 20 years ago. One particular doctor thinks I may very well have signs of an auto immune disease which is causing the nerve pain so I will be getting more tests done to rule that out.

On a bright side, I did start physical therapy last week and I am starting to have a better range of motion then I had before so I am able to now drive short distances (when I'm not on some of my heavier meds). I think this will also help my mood as now I can at least drive to Target if I wanted even if it is to walk the aisles aimlessly and soak up the normalcy.

I have also started seeing a counselor and we will be working on getting my depression in check and hopefully my optimism will return.

It has to... because I have a life to live and I can’t do it with this cloud over my head.


Love and Light

Asabi

Day 127

Today's inspiration is #mysterious

"I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it."- Harry Emerson.

Day 109

Today's Today's photo inspiration is #dedicated.

 This is dedicated to Boston..to Newton..to Chicago..to Syria..May all of their hearts..and our own break open and be filled with Grace, Love and Faith. 

Namaste.

Interested in where I got my keys??? 

The Giving Keys exists to employ those transitioning out of homelessness to engrave recycled keys that get sold and shared around the world. Each key necklace is unique and carries a message like HOPE, STRENGTH, DREAM or COURAGE. When the wearer of the key encounters someone else who needs the message on the key, they give it away and then tell us their story.

Day 100

Today's photo inspiration is #upside_down.

Went down to The Mall after work to see the cherry blossoms hanging upside down and all around. Despite the huge crowds and heat the scene was amazing and Soooo beautiful!!

LA Face with a Oakland Booty

      Source: flavorwire.com via Flavorpill on Pinterest

Cheers to the great Philosopher Sir Mix A Lot 
HAPPY FRIDAY LOVELIES!!!

We all have times when we go home at night and pull out our hair and feel misunderstood and lonely and like we're falling. I think the brain is such that there is always going to be something missing. 

- Jude Law 

Hope Springs Eternal

Hope springs eternal in the human breast;

Man never Is, but always To be blest:

The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,

Rests and expatiates in a life to come.

This is a snippet from a poem, An Essay on Man by Alexander Pope. He wrote this poem as a effort to use "optimistic" philosophy in order to "vindicate the ways of God to man", or to explain the natural order God has decreed for man and because man cannot know God's purposes he must ultimately accept that "Whatever IS, is RIGHT".

But isn't that the hardest thing in the world to do? Accept our lot in life..To have faith in "whatever IS, is RIGHT"?  To know that in the midst of the good, the bad and the downright ugly dirty messiness of existence there is no other place you are suppose to be...but right here.

My goal in blogging again is to to try and dig deep into what "IS"  for me right now. Not that I don't already document the hell out of my life on Facebook and more recently Instagram but I'd like to make this more of a central place for my musings but I expect there to be some overlap in other places.

I hope to be able to be a bit more consistent this time but I'm not making any promises. :)

So feel free to follow my journey...Comment, laugh, shake your head in amusement and/or confusion but most importantly encourage me to continue..as I encourage you to do what ever it is that moves your spirit and to seek what gives you peace with "what is".

So Here's to eternal springing Hope, unspeakable Joy and boundless Love

Oh and Happy New Year. :)

I'm back..sort of

So lets start this off slow.
Excuse me If this reads as one big ramble but its been so long since I've posted anything I have to figure out how to get my thoughts on screen back in order. I've even seemed to have forgotten my password. But I thought I'd try back at this whole blogging thing. I'm not quite sure why I had such a long hiatus but I think I was just a bit bored with living life and then reporting on living life so I just decided to just live my life. I had even given up on reading all my favorite blogs so I apologize to all my fabulous blogger friends I have months of reading to catch up on.

Ok that wasnt so bad. I guess I'll try it again soon.

Question of the week weak

How long can you sit on the fence before your ass starts to hurt??

Cellar Dwellers

And so you have dragged me here
Only to abandon me???
Happy in my own existence
I didn't ask to come
But now it is clear
You leave me neither water nor light
Only the ability to hear
the ever so faint sounds
Of your laughter.

-asabi

Chivalry R.I.P.???

Just when I was starting to doubt the existence of men of a gentle nature I encountered one this morning. The escalator was out at my metro station and I was struggling to get my overly packed suitcase up the stairs. A decent looking "suit and tie" politely offered to carry it for me. Normally, I would put up my "I got this" independent woman stance and decline the offer but lately that hasn't gotten me anything but reoccurring back problems and a jacked up manicure. So I kindly relinquished the bag and all he asked for was a smile in return. Wow. I was giddy the whole way to work! Easily impressed you say? That's a matter of opinion. But I sooo dig a chivalrous guy..that's a fact. Unfortunately we live in a world where general consideration, random acts of kindness and sincere gestures of interest, small and large are rarely expressed (or appreciated).

Some of my friends think its hilarious that I told an otherwise decent guy to kick rocks because he didn't walk me to my car. Um..hello it was 11:30 PM and he let me walk several blocks by myself in DC without so much as a inquiry as to if I got home ok. Unacceptable! But, on the other hand I was totally smitten with one guy because he opened all my doors even though he had a thing for running squirrels over on purpose .... with me in the car. Yes.. He maimed defenseless woodland creatures...but he paid for dinner damn it!

Anyway, my point is that a little chivalry goes along way and every most women want to be treated like a lady. What's that you say? Need some tips on how to impress a woman with your etiquette? Here are some simple ones from AskMen.com

Always open doors
This is perhaps the most basic rule of male etiquette out there. It is also one of the easiest to follow so you have no reason to forget it. Whether she is about to enter your car, restaurant, club, or anyplace with a door, you should always hold it open. If there are many doors, then hold them open one after the other.

Put on her coat
Always help a lady put on her coat or overgarment. This is a simple but powerful action.

Help with her seat
If an unaccompanied lady is sitting next to you, it is important that you help her be seated by pulling her chair out for her and gently pushing it back into place, with the lady seated of course.

Give up your seat
If a lady arrives at the table and there are no available seats, you should stand up and offer yours to her.

Give her your arm
When escorting a lady (that you know) to and from social events, you should offer her your arm. This is a little more intimate, but serves well when walking on uneven ground -- especially if she's wearing high heels.

Ask if she needs anything

Always carry a woman's packages
Let's face it; today's women would probably shoot you a puzzled fleeting look, so at least offer to do so. This lets her know you respect her and are courteous enough to inquire as to her comfort.

Offer your seat to women
Classics are always fashionable. Some feminists would certainly have a fit, but most women will definitely value the gesture.

and My favorite..

Always walk on the curbside of the sidewalk when walking with a woman

Easy right? Good, spread the word.

Jeremy

I'm on the Amtrak #89 going south for weekend.

I’m sitting behind a caramel colored little boy. Jeremy is his name. Occasionally, he stands up in his seat to look back at me with a careless cascading mop of curly black hair and a sea of golden chestnuts where his eyes should be. I put my book down so that he has my full attention.

He starts to serenade me with his toddler version of Alicia Keys’ song “No One.” He closes his eyes and enthusiastically sings the chorus at the top of his little lungs “Ooh ooh Ooh oh Oh……..Ooh Ooh Ooh Oh Oh!”

I instantly fall in love.

His mother apologizes and says it’s his favorite song and tries to get him to stop to no avail. “It’s ok,” I say. “He’s adorable.” They get off the train in Richmond. As we pull off from the platform Jeremy waves goodbye. I notice they are carrying trash bags instead of luggage.

I stare out the window for the next 50 miles wondering what will become of him. I quietly hum my new favorite song as the passing of the trees mercifully lulls me to sleep.

It's snowing!!!

This is what it looks like outside my office window. A blanket of snow. Why couldnt this have happen BEFORE I came to work so I could stay in bed eating oatmeal and watching Maury? It is pretty tho'

Next stop.. Metro Center.

My image of my self is often warped and unyielding. In my minds eye my face is always far less round and my hair not so wildly unkept.

Today I am almost startled at my real reflection when I caught a glimpse of my face in the train window.

I quickly went back to pretending to read my book as I felt like I wasn't the only one concerned about my looks this morning.

He was 3 rows behind me but I could feel him staring a hole in my head.

As he walked past to exit the train he said "Hey beautiful why so sad?"

I didn't have enough words to explain and he didn't have enough time to listen.

So I just feigned a grateful smile and nodded. "I'm ok."

He didn't believe me.

And neither did I.


~asabi