Day 304

Today's photo inspiration is #treat

 It was quite the treat to spend a couple of days on the beautiful eastern shore of Maryland. Hanging by the water. .enjoying the changing of the leaves and soaking up some sun.

Day 303

Today's photo inspiration is #trick

Had a weird but dangerous #trick played on me by the DC streets. I apparently unknowingly walked in some sort of hazardous material right in the street on my way to my doctors office that totally dissolved the soles of my favorite Pumas. What if I had on sandals instead? Scary! 

Day 302

Today's photo inspiration is #black

 "The offing was barred by a black bank of clouds, and the tranquil water-way leading to the uttermost ends of the earth flowed somber under an overcast sky.." - Joseph Conrad

(Eastern shore, MD at night)

Day 301

Today's photo inspiration is #best_invention_ever

 Whole Foods!!!.. best invention ever! Ok maybe not better than Target but you get the idea.

Music Monday's - Not Over You

Davin McGraw's "Not Over You"

Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful face anymore
I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
We both admit we had it good
But until then it's alienation, I know
That much is understood
And I realize

[Chorus:]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm not over you, not over you

Damn, damn girl, you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you're magnificent
I, I'm a boomerang, doesn't matter how you throw me
I turn around and I'm back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I'm not even close without you

[Chorus:]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm not over you

And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you'd be convinced
So until then...

[Chorus:]
If you ask me how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I'm not over you
Not over you
Not over you
Not over you

Day 300

Today's photo inspiration is #nearby

With my balloons and cards nearby its hard not to wake up with gratitude for the friends that continue to shower me with love.

Week 44 Photo Challenges

Day 299

Today's photo inspiration is #costume.

This is my favorite costume mask. I wore it to a masquerade party and It always comes in handy in livening up a boring Saturday night :)

Day 298

Today's photo inspiration is  #new_and_improved

 Even though I've been holed up in the house for several days in severe pain there are always little things that make me feel new and improved. Like a good cup of green tea and fun, bright socks lovingly gifted to me by my sis Angie. :)

Day 297

Today's photo inspiration is #retro

While it use to be more of a retro hobby, knitting seems to be more popular than ever. I just took my first class this week!! So if you are lucky you might get a ugly scarf for Christmas. :) 

Day 296

Today's photo inspiration is #negative_space.

 If nothing else having cancer has taught me that I have NO room for negative space in my life. 

" You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddha 

Day 295

Today's photo inspiration is #natural.

 A natural beauty.

Day 294

Today's photo inspiration is #man-made.

The city lights...man made...dream inspirations.

Music Monday's - Hazy

Rosi Golan w/ William Fitzsimmons "Hazy"

I watched you sleepin' quietly in my bed

You don't know this now but 

There's somethings that need to be said

And it's all that I can hear

It's more than I can bear

What if I fall and hurt myself

Would you know how to fix me?

What if I went and lost myself

Would you know where to find me?

If forgot who I am 

Would you please remind me?

Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

(Ah's)

I watched you sleepin' quietly in my bed

You don't know this now but 

There's somethings that need to be said

It's all that I can hear

It's more than I can bear

What if I fall and hurt myself

Would you know how to fix me?

What if I went and lost myself

Would you know where to find me?

If I forgot who I am

Would you please remind me?

Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

(Ah's)

What if I fall and hurt myself

Would you know how to fix me?

What if went and lost myself

Would you know where to find me?

If I forgot who I am

Would you please remind me?

Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

Day 293

Today's photo inspiration is #wish_i_could

 The lights of Thomas Circle glow through the window...Sade and Sia are on Pandora and this bubble-bath has healing powers...I wish I could stay here forever.

Week 43 Photo Challenges

Day 292

Today's photo inspiration is #still

 "Mysteries are feminine; they like to veil themselves but still want to be seen and divined." - Karl Wilhelm Friedrich Schlegel

Day 291

Today's photo inspiration is #to_do

Hair laid by friend and roomie Colette.. face beat by makeup artist extraordinaire @mskimisfierce... party planned by my besties Mechande and Nik. The only thing left for me to do is have the best birthday ever....and I did :)

Day 290

Today's photo inspiration is #key

The key to the minibar. A very dangerous thing. :)

Day 289

Today's photo inspiration is #in_charge.

Happy Birthday to me!!! I have no worries today cause God's in charge.

Happy 40th Birthday to me!!! :)

I woke up today on my 40th birthday... cancer free. For the first time in my life I didn't worry about the extra weight or the wrinkles or any of the physical attributes we tend to dwell on when it comes to getting older because guess what? There was a real chance that I could have missed out on experiencing this blessing and miracle of being alive today.

I've decided to celebrate as much as I can this month, as much as my body will allow me to. I have so many loved ones planning great things for me this week and beyond that I have no choice but to take it all in. This birthday, this milestone is not just a blessing to me but an answered prayer for scores of people. This birthday is bigger than me, it is a testimony of what can happen when good people do great things with their hearts and mind.

I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me and with your continued support I will be better and stronger for it. My life isn't easy and I may have 99 problems but turning 40 aint one. 

I'm feeling hopeful about the future and completely winning this war against cancer..The physical scars, the emotional toll, the fear of reoccurance will all have to take a back seat to me living my life with authenticity, joy and being open to all the abundance the universe will bless me with.

The great Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best...

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
So keep your eyes open for what lies within me.... plenty of love and light and the will to be here for the next 40 years.

A happy birthday to me indeed.

Breast Cancer Awareness Hijacked My Favorite Month

**Heavy sigh**

I don’t even know what this means really but I don’t like it. It’s just two examples of pop culture jargon mashed together to what? Bring “awareness” to Breast Cancer “month”. First of all, I have no plans of keeping calm when it comes to having breast cancer and second of all, “Pink is not the new black”, it is not cute or trendy. It’s painful, its life changing and in a lot of cases life ending. We are half way through October, affectionately known as "Pinktober" aka Breast Cancer Awareness month and I thought I should give my opinion on it all.

It’s an odd time for me as October has always been my favorite month. It’s the month that the leaves begin to change (which I love!!!!), I can start layering my favorite fall clothes and most importantly it’s my birthday month. In fact, I’ll be 40 tomorrow…yikes! It was MY month until I had to now and forever more share it with cancer awareness. Not awesome.

I’ve read some great blogs from other cancer survivors and most are on the same page about the demeaning commercialization of “Pinktober”. A lot of businesses are making a quick buck off the backs and empty chests of breast cancer victims without giving any of those extra funds to charities that are actually helping the ones that need it the most.

Don’t get me wrong. I love that my friends are doing their part to support me and sometimes just wearing a ribbon pin or wearing something pink in solidarity makes me feel great because I know the intention is pure. Hell, my Dad even shaved his very full head of curls just to show his support. I’ve also had other friends who vowed to do the same if I had to go through chemo and thank God that wasn’t the case because some of them would not remotely look good with a bald head.

So how can you really help?

There are lots of legitimate places that you can donate to. Below is a link to Charity Navigator and they give a list of organizations that do their best to utilize their funds to directly help prevent and find a cure for breast cancer

http://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=497#.Ul2JHVBea8U

If the spirit moves you and you would like to donate to my own site which has been helping me keep afloat financially during my own battle please check out my “giving angels” tab which has a donation link. I would have not made it this far without the generosity of my friends, family, workmates and even strangers.

Lastly, I think the most important thing you can do to support Breast Cancer Awareness is to not forget about us come November 1 because we will continue to be in the battle regardless of whether or not Pink is still the color du jour.

Love and Light,

Asabi

Day 288

Today's photo inspiration is #annoying.

 Dogs can be cute or annoying at any given point. Luckily Pebbles my bestie Heather's pup always scores high on the adorable scale.

Day 287

Today's photo inspiration is #discovery

 I'm in discovery mode  in side Charming Charlies trying to find the perfect earrings for my birthday party. This is no easy task for a indecisive accessories addict Libra. Focus man! focus! 

Music Mondays - You will Never Know

Imany's "You will never know"

It breaks my heart ‘cause I know you’re the one for me
Don’t you feel sad there never was a story
Obviously it'll never be

You will never know
I will never show
What I feel
What I need from you no
You will never know
I will never show
What I feel
What I need from you

With every smile comes my reality irony
You won’t find out what has been killing me
Can’t you see me, can’t you see?

You will never know
I will never show
What I feel
What I need from you no
You will never know
I will never show
What I feel
What I need from you
No no no no you will never know
I will never show
What I feel
What I need from you no

No no no no you'll never know
No no no no you'll never know
No no no no
Love me love me love me love me no

You will never know
I will never show no no no
What I feel
What I need from you no no no
You will never know
I will never show no no no
What I feel
What I feel
What I feel
What I need
What I need from you no.

Day 286

Today's photo inspiration is #bloom

I loved how my mini birthday cake looked like a flower in bloom. I will be celebrating all week but with the same wish as I blow out each candle. Can you guess what it is?

Week 42 Photo Challenges

Day 285

Today's photo inspiration is #rad

 It was pretty rad to be able to celebrate my birthday early with some of my closest friends who are also  libras. It was a big Libra love fest!! Still not fully recovered I needed a 4 hour nap after all the brunch festivities at  Sax Lounge :)

Day 284

Today's photo inspiration is #fragrant

My favorite fragrant weapon of choice.  If I told you what it was I would have to kill you. ;) 

Day 283

Today's photo inspiration is #old_school

My mommy and me in 1973.  Can't get any more old school than that. ;) 

Jackson Pratt's Blues Band

Ok..So that's not really a thing. But it felt like it should be. Their music would suck tho'.

Jackson Pratt is the name of the guy(s) who invented the grenade shaped bulb draining system that is typically used post mastectomy surgery. There is a clear tube inside of you at the surgical site that connects to a bulb on the outside of your body. These drains help to pull all the fluid out of the "dead space" inside of you so it doesn’t collect and form seromas or hematomas or infections. So they are pretty important in the healing process but boy do I hate them with a vengeance..

I mean HATE!

I had two on each side of my body after surgery and after about a week two were removed and I was left with the remaining two that I was originally told I would have in for an additional 2-3 weeks.

Unfortunately that time line extended way beyond original expectations and I just FINALLY  got them out on Friday!!!! 

I'm not quite sure I have the words to explain how happy I was to get them out. It was imperative they get removed at this point because it had a huge part in fueling the depression that had pulled up a chair and made itself at home in my mind and spirit.

There is nothing nice about having to literally see your body’s fluids (and sometimes tissue) collect every day in this bulb that you have to measure and dispose of twice a day. I can never repay the kindness of my friends who helped me in those first several weeks, those who had the awful job of cleaning and measuring and dumping my body fluids because I was too weak and in too much pain to do it myself.

But as time went on and I had more strength I started taking care of them myself hoping that every time I went to the doctor that would be the day I would get them removed. The body can only absorb about 30 cc of fluid on its own safely after most surgeries and up until this past week I was way above those numbers. As my constant companions they were the unfortunate reminders that there was nothing "free" about being cancer free.

So I got the blues.

I guess it would be hard not to as you could imagine but the drains were only a part of it. I'm working on turning it around and maybe I’ll write about it in more details later but I'll just say that while I have my good moments, the last couple of weeks have been the worst part for me and there are days where I feel so bad I stay in bed all day and the tears just flow without warning.

Being in so much pain has definitely not helped and unfortunately I have developed some severe nerve pain not only from the mastectomy but in my leg from a previous car accident almost 20 years ago. One particular doctor thinks I may very well have signs of an auto immune disease which is causing the nerve pain so I will be getting more tests done to rule that out.

On a bright side, I did start physical therapy last week and I am starting to have a better range of motion then I had before so I am able to now drive short distances (when I'm not on some of my heavier meds). I think this will also help my mood as now I can at least drive to Target if I wanted even if it is to walk the aisles aimlessly and soak up the normalcy.

I have also started seeing a counselor and we will be working on getting my depression in check and hopefully my optimism will return.

It has to... because I have a life to live and I can’t do it with this cloud over my head.


Love and Light

Asabi

Day 282

Today's photo inspiration is #hugs

A picture with my buddy Bernard right after my surgery. People ask what they can do for breast cancer awareness. Try being a real friend. A kind word..a visit or call..some gentle hugs. They all go a long way in showing support. Thank God for my friends.

Day 281

Today's photo inspiration is #borrowed

 I borrowed this lovely ring for a couple of minutes in the jewelry store. A rose gold cherry blossom ring with pink and white diamonds? Looks like the perfect unique engagement ring for me...I'm just saying. :)

Music Monday's - Fix you

Coldplay's Live version of "Fix You"

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Day 280

Today's photo inspiration is #cinematic.

A old pic of My daughter Chyna  in her cinematic debut acting as Tupac's daughter in one of his last videos. She cant even claim 15 minutes of fame as she is in it all of 5 seconds but its pretty cool regardless.  

Check her out a couple of times at the every end of the video.

Day 279

Today's photo inspiration is  #rural

Far from the rural areas of Maryland I took my first trip via metro post surgery to enjoy the DC sunshine with my friends. I think I may have overexerted myself a bit but it was worth it.

Week 41 Photo Challenges

Day 278

Today's photo inspiration is #happy_place.

Lately, that's been harder and harder to find but getting a chance to enjoy the great weather and treat my booski Tahisha to a bday lunch (dessert included) definitely put me in a happy place. 

Day 277

Today's photo inspiration is #not_so_much

 I got to have lunch at Ted's Bulletin with my dear friend Mechande after a doctor's appointment and yes it was not so much the most healthiest meal to have but boy was it good comfort food and even better company.

Day 276

Today's photo inspiration is #words_to_live_by  

Do not keep calm and carry on. Wake up every day & bitch slap that cancer til its gone!!  Say  word. 

Day 275

Today's photo inspiration is #sunset

 "When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in the worship of the creator." - Mahatma Gandhi 

Day 274

Today's photo inspiration is #you_today

Nothing helps recovery time pass by better then catching up on some on great tv.