Day 22

#Surprise! A empty drawer. I finally got the courage to clean out all my pre-mastectomy bras. Ready to get some cute lacy numbers for the new me. 

Day 15

#currently_reading crazy sexy cancer diet book. 

Back to Life..Back to Reality

I feel like a spry school girl on the night before the first day of school. 

Excited...anxious...indecisive about what to wear. Except tomorrow is not the first day of school but my return to work after 5 months and I’m not feeling so spry right now as I’m still quite sore from the last two surgeries.

 But no matter, Wells Fargo Mortgage waits for no wo(man) and being on disability for so long has taken quite the toll on me financially; and while the generous donations over the past several months have helped tremendously it hardly keeps me in the luxurious life I’ve grown accustomed to (that’s a joke for all my fellow non-profit worker bees). This year brings new medical bills and concerns so I think it’s time to get back work even if it’s part time despite the residual physical issues. Time heals all wounds right?

 Besides, I’m tired of being home. I miss the interaction with my work family. Some more than others of course but generally speaking I am looking forward to reconnecting with them and picking up the good work I had to put down in August. And the stress that comes along with that good work? I don’t know I’m trying not to worry about it too much because it will just stress me out even more and that’s not good for anyone.

 So right now I’ll concentrate on the baby steps...gradually getting back to work and gradually getting back to life.

Day 10

After a day or so of being bedridden I progressed enough to take the post-surgery recovery party down the stairs and on the #cozy couch.

One More Surgery for the Win!!!

I braved the brutal cold today and went to my 3 week plastic surgeon check-up. Besides some residual pain and scar tissue issues at the incision site from the mastectomy, I seem to be healing pretty well. In fact, the doctor seemed quite pleased with her work. Good for her.  So it looks like I’m all set for yet another surgery tomorrow. Yep, you read right.

I will be having tubal ligation surgery at 8:30am tomorrow morning at Sibley Hospital and the closer it gets to tomorrow the more emotional I feel.  The fact is that after raising a 21 year old on my own I was pretty sure that I did not want any more children. But it’s one thing to make the decision on your own and entirely one other thing when the decision is made for you because of your circumstance.

And what exactly is my “circumstance”? I am ER/PR+/HEU2- which means that my particular type of cancer is fueled by hormones. The first thing I was told after being diagnosed was to stop taking birth control pills immediately. Which makes me question how much of a factor they played in causing the cancer to begin with..but that’s a different post.

For the next ten years (maybe more) I will have to take part in hormonal therapy in the form of a drug called Tamoxifen.  The good part is it suppresses my estrogen; the bad part is it suppresses my estrogen. So while it lessens my risk of reoccurrence it has some funky side effects, including hot flashes, wicked mood swings (so apologies if I have been bitchy), higher incidents of uterine cancer and birth defects.  Some women decide to go off of Tamoxifen for a period of time or forever in order to have children but that’s not a risk I want to take.

Besides, the whole thought of having to look into another child’s eyes like I had to do to my daughter and tell them that I have cancer and I don’t know if I’m going to die is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and I refuse to ever have to do that again.

So for all those reasons, with guidance from my doctors I have decided to get my “tubes tied”.  The surgery is a couple hours and recovery a couple of days or so but it’s not the physical scars and pain I’m so worried about. I know I will eventually get over it like I’ve had to get over everything else that has happened in the past 6-7 months...I have no choice.
But, for right now it sucks pretty bad. I guess the bright side is that I can put all that diaper money into the travel fund.

Love and Light,

Asabi

Out with the Old and in with the New..Year

Wow! What a year huh?

As I reflect on the past year I have to say it has been arguably the most pivotal year of my life. This time last year I was shouting out that 2013 was going to be the most incredible year ever and boy was I right. This was the year I was turning 40... this was the year I was taking that dream vacation to Italy…this was the year I dared to be hopeful, actually expectant of an amazing year.

One of my favorite quotes is “if you ever want to hear God laugh make a plan”. Well, it must have been like a Chris Rock show up in heaven this year.

So you all know the story by now. And forever more my life, my body and all that I am will be described in time periods of  “pre-cancer” and “post-cancer” and I’m learning to be ok with that.

This year has been such an education on the absolute best and worst that life has to offer.  I have lost some friendships and been disappointed by many who I thought would be right by my side though it all. And while the lack of support from some have sadden me, broken my heart even, It has taught me to redefine what I consider a friend and I’m grateful for that. I realize that some people you have to love from afar, wishing them well as you close the door behind you.

The overflow of love has by far outweighed the disappointments. Work mates have become friends and friends have become family and perfect strangers have come along this journey with me softening the rocky road with prayers and well wishes.

I don’t know what the future holds for me in 2014 but I have resolved myself to not allow God to have too many more laughs at my expense.  I am instead trying to give up my expectations of what my life should be up to Him.  There is something very freeing in knowing that your highest priority in this world is to live your best life..TODAY, while being faithful that all the other details will be worked out for your greatest good.

This year has taught me about resilience and humility, about not only being stronger than I ever thought I could be but even more importantly accepting the grace that comes with being vulnerable , fragile even.

Resolutions? I guess the obvious one would be to remain cancer free this year and forevermore. I’m also going to try and be a better friend, mother, sister and daughter. I’d like to also be open to finding and receiving the love of my life this year and allow myself the audacity to stand firm in my beliefs, ask for what I want and deserve, dream bigger than before and for goodness sake take that trip to Italy.

I am setting my intention for a year of victory ahead. ..And so it is.

Wishing the same for you.

Love and Light

Asabi

Day 365

Today's photo inspiration is #au_revoir

 #Au_revoir to the old me..bonjour to the new me..and in case you were wondering... Yes! They're fake..the real ones tried to kill me! 

Goodbye projectlife365 I'm so proud of myself for committing to the end despite this years challenges. These are more than just pictures but windows into my heart. Thank you for coming along the journey with me. May 2014 bring us an even more beautiful story to share. Xoxo

Day 360

Today's photo inspiration is #magical

Its not sometimes realistic to think magical things can happen in life and especially in love. But I'd like to think of it as a courageous act of defiance to keep believing in magic even when no one else does.

Day 358

Today's photo inspiration is #Merry

 A less mobile but still  a very blessed Merry Christmas..I couldn't have asked for more.

Day 357

Today's photo inspiration is #cup_of_good_cheer

Nothing like a cup of good cheer to celebrate my first post surgery outing...there is definitely a nap in my future. :) 

Two thumbs up!!!

Just a quick update to say I'm doing ok.

I'm in pain of course but surgery went as well as expected and definitely wasnt as bad as the first one. It will be awhile till i really see how "the girls" turned out as it can be several months for them to settle in but anything is better than the expanders so I'm just thankful they were finally removed.

I was nervous about it being an outpatient procedure but it worked out fine with my awesome friends who have been taking good care of me.

So for now I will be resting up for a couple of weeks and washing down my percocet with eggnog.

Again, Thank you guys for the well wishes and prayers.

Love and Light

Asabi  

Day 354

Today's photo inspiration is #gift

The best Christmas gift I could have asked for was not just a successful reconstruction surgery but to have friends that love me enough to nurse me back to health..looks like I'm getting both :)

Day 353

Today's photo inspiration is #simple

 "For to be poised against fatality, to meet adverse conditions gracefully, is more than simple endurance; it is an act of aggression, a positive triumph." - Thomas Mann 

Surgery Today!!!

Get out your tool belts folks! Today is Reconstruction Surgery Day!

See what I did there? Funny…right?

If you listen closely enough you can hear the sounds of my nervous laughter in the background.

167 days after I was diagnosed and 121 days after my double mastectomy…TODAY will be bittersweet for me.  Today, all the King’s horses and em’ will try to put me back together again.

Bittersweet because despite feeling tremendous gratitude for being alive and well enough to have reconstruction as an option the fact remains that this surgery is only one piece of my overall healing puzzle and is a painful reminder that my body, and for that matter my heart and spirit as well will be forever changed.

With that being said, there’s no use in crying over spilled breast milk…you get it? BREAST milk?

I’m hoping after an uneventful 3 hours I will not wake up sad, and although happy will be asking for too much I think it’s a fair compromise to have a certain amount of relief that my doctors were able to give me back a piece of what cancer so callously took away.

Here are the details:
George Washington University Hospital
-2:30pm
-Expecting to return home late tonight

See you on the other side :)

Love and Light

Asabi

Surgery Tomorrow

Trying to figure out if wearing sequins to surgery tomorrow is overdoing it...decisions decisions 

Seven Days and Counting!!! - The Reconstruction Era is Here!!

A week from today (December 19th) I will FINALLY be having my reconstruction surgery! 

Not that I am super excited about going under the knife again, in fact I'm pretty scared but this is a major step in my healing journey and I am thankful I've made it this far.

 Several people (especially men) have been extremely confused about my "boob status" since when they see me in person on in pictures it appears I have a pretty rockin' stack despite the fact that I had a double mastectomy in August. So the assumption is that I have already been "reconstructed". The answer is yes and no.

 While it varies from woman to woman, in my particular case immediate reconstruction was not an option because at the time of my mastectomy surgery it was not known if the cancer had spread or if I would need chemo and/or radiation. Typically, doctors do not like to “reconstruct” or put in permanent implants before radiation because radiation may increase the likelihood of capsular contracture (scar tissue that severely contracts around the implant), necrosis (tissue death), and extrusion (bulging through skin). Instead, once the cancer was removed along with all my breast tissue flat “expanders” were placed under my chest muscle wall.

 Tissue expanders are temporary “implants”/medical devices/INSTRUMENTS OF TORTURE that are used to make new breast pockets for the permanent implants. So after a month of healing from the mastectomy surgery I started getting the expanders “filled” with saline. They have a metal forward facing port that the doctor would access via needle and syringe and fill it up 50-100 cc’s at a time. So by Late October I was filled to the brim with 510 cc of sexy saline.
The expanders have to be hard enough to push out the muscle so you can imagine the potential pain that can come with that. Unfortunately for me my body wanted the expanders to kick rocks immediately and that’s when my neuropathy set in. Nerve pain is excruciating and even though I have been on tons of meds it has been at best annoyingly achy and at its worst completely debilitating. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even remember what it was like to not wake up in pain…weird huh?

 Anywho, that’s why it looks I’m back to “normal” but I’m not. These temporary minions of the devil will be no more in just seven days. They will be replaced with SOFT silicone implants in a hopefully smooth operation at George Washington University Hospital. My prayer is that if not immediately maybe in time the nerve pain will subside and I will gain some sanity back.

 I think I will do another post on my implant decisions later but in the meantime if you are dying to know more about expanders, or reconstruction, or the evil capsular contracture check out my learning links section.

 Well, that’s all for now.

 Love and Light

 Asabi

Day 321

Today's photo inspiration is #currently_reading

Currently reading the Sientra Patient Planning Guide for Breast Reconstruction. The next surgery will be here in no time. But I have a hard enough time picking out my clothes let alone what kind of implants :)...but I'm soo ready for the next step! 

Happy 40th Birthday to me!!! :)

I woke up today on my 40th birthday... cancer free. For the first time in my life I didn't worry about the extra weight or the wrinkles or any of the physical attributes we tend to dwell on when it comes to getting older because guess what? There was a real chance that I could have missed out on experiencing this blessing and miracle of being alive today.

I've decided to celebrate as much as I can this month, as much as my body will allow me to. I have so many loved ones planning great things for me this week and beyond that I have no choice but to take it all in. This birthday, this milestone is not just a blessing to me but an answered prayer for scores of people. This birthday is bigger than me, it is a testimony of what can happen when good people do great things with their hearts and mind.

I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me and with your continued support I will be better and stronger for it. My life isn't easy and I may have 99 problems but turning 40 aint one. 

I'm feeling hopeful about the future and completely winning this war against cancer..The physical scars, the emotional toll, the fear of reoccurance will all have to take a back seat to me living my life with authenticity, joy and being open to all the abundance the universe will bless me with.

The great Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best...

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
So keep your eyes open for what lies within me.... plenty of love and light and the will to be here for the next 40 years.

A happy birthday to me indeed.

Breast Cancer Awareness Hijacked My Favorite Month

**Heavy sigh**

I don’t even know what this means really but I don’t like it. It’s just two examples of pop culture jargon mashed together to what? Bring “awareness” to Breast Cancer “month”. First of all, I have no plans of keeping calm when it comes to having breast cancer and second of all, “Pink is not the new black”, it is not cute or trendy. It’s painful, its life changing and in a lot of cases life ending. We are half way through October, affectionately known as "Pinktober" aka Breast Cancer Awareness month and I thought I should give my opinion on it all.

It’s an odd time for me as October has always been my favorite month. It’s the month that the leaves begin to change (which I love!!!!), I can start layering my favorite fall clothes and most importantly it’s my birthday month. In fact, I’ll be 40 tomorrow…yikes! It was MY month until I had to now and forever more share it with cancer awareness. Not awesome.

I’ve read some great blogs from other cancer survivors and most are on the same page about the demeaning commercialization of “Pinktober”. A lot of businesses are making a quick buck off the backs and empty chests of breast cancer victims without giving any of those extra funds to charities that are actually helping the ones that need it the most.

Don’t get me wrong. I love that my friends are doing their part to support me and sometimes just wearing a ribbon pin or wearing something pink in solidarity makes me feel great because I know the intention is pure. Hell, my Dad even shaved his very full head of curls just to show his support. I’ve also had other friends who vowed to do the same if I had to go through chemo and thank God that wasn’t the case because some of them would not remotely look good with a bald head.

So how can you really help?

There are lots of legitimate places that you can donate to. Below is a link to Charity Navigator and they give a list of organizations that do their best to utilize their funds to directly help prevent and find a cure for breast cancer

http://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=497#.Ul2JHVBea8U

If the spirit moves you and you would like to donate to my own site which has been helping me keep afloat financially during my own battle please check out my “giving angels” tab which has a donation link. I would have not made it this far without the generosity of my friends, family, workmates and even strangers.

Lastly, I think the most important thing you can do to support Breast Cancer Awareness is to not forget about us come November 1 because we will continue to be in the battle regardless of whether or not Pink is still the color du jour.

Love and Light,

Asabi

Jackson Pratt's Blues Band

Ok..So that's not really a thing. But it felt like it should be. Their music would suck tho'.

Jackson Pratt is the name of the guy(s) who invented the grenade shaped bulb draining system that is typically used post mastectomy surgery. There is a clear tube inside of you at the surgical site that connects to a bulb on the outside of your body. These drains help to pull all the fluid out of the "dead space" inside of you so it doesn’t collect and form seromas or hematomas or infections. So they are pretty important in the healing process but boy do I hate them with a vengeance..

I mean HATE!

I had two on each side of my body after surgery and after about a week two were removed and I was left with the remaining two that I was originally told I would have in for an additional 2-3 weeks.

Unfortunately that time line extended way beyond original expectations and I just FINALLY  got them out on Friday!!!! 

I'm not quite sure I have the words to explain how happy I was to get them out. It was imperative they get removed at this point because it had a huge part in fueling the depression that had pulled up a chair and made itself at home in my mind and spirit.

There is nothing nice about having to literally see your body’s fluids (and sometimes tissue) collect every day in this bulb that you have to measure and dispose of twice a day. I can never repay the kindness of my friends who helped me in those first several weeks, those who had the awful job of cleaning and measuring and dumping my body fluids because I was too weak and in too much pain to do it myself.

But as time went on and I had more strength I started taking care of them myself hoping that every time I went to the doctor that would be the day I would get them removed. The body can only absorb about 30 cc of fluid on its own safely after most surgeries and up until this past week I was way above those numbers. As my constant companions they were the unfortunate reminders that there was nothing "free" about being cancer free.

So I got the blues.

I guess it would be hard not to as you could imagine but the drains were only a part of it. I'm working on turning it around and maybe I’ll write about it in more details later but I'll just say that while I have my good moments, the last couple of weeks have been the worst part for me and there are days where I feel so bad I stay in bed all day and the tears just flow without warning.

Being in so much pain has definitely not helped and unfortunately I have developed some severe nerve pain not only from the mastectomy but in my leg from a previous car accident almost 20 years ago. One particular doctor thinks I may very well have signs of an auto immune disease which is causing the nerve pain so I will be getting more tests done to rule that out.

On a bright side, I did start physical therapy last week and I am starting to have a better range of motion then I had before so I am able to now drive short distances (when I'm not on some of my heavier meds). I think this will also help my mood as now I can at least drive to Target if I wanted even if it is to walk the aisles aimlessly and soak up the normalcy.

I have also started seeing a counselor and we will be working on getting my depression in check and hopefully my optimism will return.

It has to... because I have a life to live and I can’t do it with this cloud over my head.


Love and Light

Asabi