Do You Know This Man?

He may look crazy but at least he is telling you upfront what is on his mind and every other place I might add. At least he isn't part of the cowardly, immature group of men that think it's OK to pull their wankers out in the middle of polite conversations.

Times can be really hard for a single gal nowadays. All we want is to meet nice guys and have a little fun. And in doing so we should be able to trust that if we accept an invitation for dinner, movies and the like that you do not misconstrue a general interest in you with a overwhelming desire to see your jack-n-the -box. Unwarranted exposure is never sexy. In fact, it's outright gross and creepy!!! Like some of you women out there, I also have been victim to this unfortunate occurrence...

Recently, a guy I dated (and I use that term loosely) over a year ago started calling, texting, emailing me out of the blue. We only went out a couple of times and it ended abruptly when I found out that between he and my ex-roommate somebody had a hankering for the other and a conversation ensued about breast size and what one would be willing to do to get one's computer fixed. It's a long story but let's just say her side was a little less plausible to believe. She moved out soon after and I stopped talking to him because in reality I just wasn't that in to him.

So fast forward a year later and A.A. is trying to "see me, reconnect with me, be just friends...since he knows I must have a man, as fine as I am" etc..etc..blah..blah blah... Truth is..I know he probably just broke up with a girlfriend and started going through his black book trying to see who may have forgotten just how weird he really is. For two weeks I gave him several legitimate excuses as to why I couldn't see him. Not that I was totally against catching up with an old "friend", I just wasn't willing to forgo other plans to do so. Just so happen he caught me one night on my way to one of my treks to U Street and after some guilt inducing tactics he got me to agree to stop by for a minute just to say hello. Now I bet if this was a movie you would be screaming at screen right now..."What a dumb ass...Girl!! Don't do it!... It's a setup!!" And in my defense I will say that I am a grown-ass woman and should be able to go to a grown-ass man's apartment (who I know) and expect him to use the 15 minutes I allotted to "catch up", see what he missed out on and send me on my way....

So he opens the door and offers me a nice friendly platonic hug. I accept and take a seat on the sofa. I comment on how big his new TV is and he comments on how pretty I remained. I thank him and try and change the subject. "How's work?" "How's the family?" " Oh..that's nice" "Oh yeah, I heard that movie was good"..etc.. So after literally four minutes of "catching up" he says " why are you so far away? sit a little closer" I tell him that I cant sit any closer because then I would be on his lap! We both chuckle. Then he asks if he could have a kiss. Oh damn! damn! damn! Why does he have to ruin a perfectly good moment by asking for something I have absolutely no desire to give? "We are just friends..remember?" I tell him. And as I am trying to reiterate my point by trying to move away he takes my face in both hands and plants the most god-awful tongue lashing of a kiss. By the time I was able to yank my head back half my face was wet.

Mistake #11,467 : I didn't smack the shyt out him and run for the door! Instead, I sat there wiping my face off, trying to remain calm. For a minute I think I was actually frozen to his cheap leather sofa. Frozen with the embarrassment of his audacity and my stupidity. So as I'm sitting there staring blankly at the TV, planning my escape, I must have zoned out cause I know he was talking but I was having a Charlie Brown moment and all I could hear was "wohmp wohmp..wohmp wohmp wohmp".

At this point I turned to tell him it was time for me to go and this nasty bastard had already unzipped his pants and was hand dancing with his p'nizzile!! His eyes were slightly rolled back in his head and my MAC Chili Red lipstick was smeared all over his high yellow face making him look like a crazed killer clown.

Of course I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Mind you he continued to pleasure himself as I tripped over his legs running for the door. He asked me why I was leaving so soon and I said "cause it's obvious that you need some time alone!" I could have sat there all night with the shyt I wanted to say but why bother? He obviously was a crazy fuck that somehow thought I would be aroused at just the mere look of his shrunken banana.

I realized it was just best that I made my exit as gracefully as possible. He did get up long enough to unlock the door and as he struggled to zip his pants up he looked me straight in my eye and says "well.....thanks for stopping by..it was good to see you" .......WTF!?!?! "um..yeah..ok..bye?" was all I could get out before I broke camp to my car. I looked at my watch and it was 7:35 pm...seven minutes later than the last time I sat in my car. That was all the time it took for him to make me feel like a altar boy after his weekly meetings with Father Thomas.

Now, you might want to chalk this sad story up to him being a horny nutcase and me being a dumb-ass but I'm sorry to say this is not a isolated incident. I've been told of similar scenarios by several women who are much smarter than I am. I'm just pleading with all the respectable men to spread the word to your creepy brethren to stop the madness and put your pocket snakes away. And you wonder why women think of you as critters. Frogs..snails..and puppy dog tails ...indeed