Put up or Shut up

So, I was having a conversation with one of my best girlfriends in the whole wide world about what else? Relationships!!! and how her on again/off again man of 14 years has finally agreed to really be ON. After years of being together, breaking up, being with other people and the like she finally said enough was enough. She gave him a final ultimatum to put up or shut up. Now, it goes without saying that this is a gorgeous and smart woman we are talking about here and her BF is a highly intelligent, seemingly thoughtful man in his mid 30s. Both great catches in their own right. But for him there were always a myriad of excuses in the past as to why he couldn’t fully commit to marriage. And for her I guess there was only one real excuse as to why she didn’t totally erase him from her memory bank forever after year 4. She loved him.

I was then reminded of a birthday party I went to some months back and in attendance were a varied group of singles and couples mostly in some stage of their 30’s. Inevitably, after many libations and specifically for me some of the strongest sangria I’ve ever had, the conversation turned to dating and relationships. If I remember correctly, it started out with us girls discussing some of my dating mishaps and my friend was expounding on her very funny and true theories on men, especially men in their late 30’s. "Sperm Shooters" are what she calls them. “Sperm Shooters” are men who decide after years and years of sowing oats that it’s time to finally “settle down” and spread their seeds in whatever lucky woman he happens to be currently dating, sleeping with or ordering a double shot mocha latte from. Her definition received roaring laughter from those in ear shot and got the attention of a one “Barber” who was sitting nearby.

Barber was a decent looking man in his 50s who seemed to exude some sort of wisdom (too much sangria+ silliness= old man exuding wisdom), which got my inquisitive mind to wonder. When did he become a “sperm shooter”? I assumed that not only would tell me he had been happily married for 20 years but he would graciously bless me with all the secrets to not only a blissful union but perhaps finding the right man for myself. Instead, we all let out an audible gasp when he said that he not only has never been married but has been in 8 year relationship and is just now getting to the point where he could “possibly” be ready for marriage. WTF! So of course we go into full “subject dissect” mode to find out what gives.

***Disclaimer: by no means do I think marriage is the end all be all of everyone’s existence. And if two people agree that they do not need a legally binding, government sanctioned contract to exist then more power to them.

After a little more digging we find out this is not the case. Barber’s 39 year old girlfriend was pretty ready from jump to be married and after who knows how much drama had finally given an ultimatum to put up or shut up. Of course the question the four women surrounding him in awe (and a little bit of pity) had was HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO KNOW YOU LOVE SOMEONE????

He starts to sweat as he searches for the words. He goes on and on about while he loves her and always has there are things a man needs to do mentally to be ready for such things. He even pulled the race card (his girlfriend is white) by telling us that a black man has the added pressures of the world…blah blah blah... and sometimes these things take time. Really? You don’t say?

So I ask him how long should a woman be ready to wait for a man. He says “forever if she loves him”. My sangria buzz was almost non-existent by this point. I shake my head at the thought of waiting for someone for 8 years, 14 years or even 2 years at this point. Maybe I’m naive and a bit quixotic but I feel like four full seasons (summertime can be a doozy) is all you need to see if two people have what it takes to love each other enough to know they are at least willing to make it a go. Am I wrong?

As far as I’m concerned Common said it best. “It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine”