In honor of my Uncle Marcus

A quote by Harriet Beecher Stowe...

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

What words have been left unsaid in your life?

There were plenty between Marcus and I.  We had not spoken for three years since the passing of my mother, his sister Pamela. At a time when family should be at It’s closest, ours was torn apart. Words were said in anger and grief and a painful distance emerged between us.  One that I didnt think would ever end. But here I am today memorizing my Uncle...grieving over words left unsaid. 

Marcus and I were very close growing up and it was a interesting thing to have a Uncle that was only 2 years older than you. I remember the time when I was 4 or 5 years old when he would to no avail try to get my cousin Amir and I to respectfully call him "Uncle". He really did try his best to have dominion over us especially since he was much bigger than us but it never really caught on.  One of my favorite funny childhood memories was when we lived on Ada street in Chicago and even though he tried to act like a tough guy he was actually afraid of the dark so Amir and I locked him out side and turned the lights out. He screamed and started kicking the door which was made of glass..just as he shattered the glass his dad Bernard was coming up the stairs behind him. As you can imagine Marcus at 6 years old wasnt such a tough guy when he was getting his butt beat that night. 

As time went on Marcus grew up to be a self professed authority figure always giving his opinions and advice to whoever would listen and unfortunately for him we werent very obedient. I like to beleive one of the highlights of his life was the birth of my brothers Amon and Maku and my daughter Chyna because he finally had someone who was so much younger that when they said "Uncle Marcus!!!" they meant it. He loved them and he loved me too...and i know that now.

Marcus was one of the funniest people I knew and I'm going to miss his unique way of loving, which was wrapped up in sarcasm, advice and a few choice curse words.

I'm going to miss his sanity and resolve in this crazy world. And most of all I'm going to miss being able to call him Uncle.

I hope the irony that Marcus died on the same day as my mom, his sister is not lost on you. To me, It was a fitting way to remind me in death what he couldnt in life..that family matters.

Regardless of the pettiness and pride, the ego and our human frailties at the end of it all we have to try our best to love and respect each other. To continue to hold space for each other with empathy but also in truth.

Let Marcus' life, death and legacy be a testimony to that.

Rest in power Uncle Marcus.

Thinking of my Mom Today

And trying to keep my spirits up today as she prepares for heart bypass surgery tomorrow morning. :( 

Day 329

Today's photo inspiration is #abstract

"When friends and lovers die and your world gets quieter; that's when the silence comes closer; that's when next isn't the least bit theoretical or abstract." - Bruce Jackson

Day 272

Today's photo inspiration is #neighbor

  Trying to fight the strong desire to just stay in bed all day. I did get out for a short walk to hang out with my park #neighbors.

Friday July 5th 4:15 pm

The date and time I was told I had cancer.

I was in the process of getting my hair colored. I stepped outside of the salon for a bit of privacy when my doctor called but  I couldn't tell you much about the conversation. I don't really remember the details.

I went back in to a full bustling room of women in various stages of getting beautified. Laughing, gossiping, talking about the future. Happy. Oblivious.

How exactly does one act after being told they have cancer? Especially with just colored hair that needs to be rinsed out and blow dried.

I think its too red. too bright..jarring. I'll call it cancer red.

The room was different when I returned. The lighting, the smell, the size..it all became stiffing. Too much to bear. All I wanted to do was get home and get under the bed. I sat in the chair as I tried to keep it together, texting friends who were inquiring if I got the biopsy results back and replying that it was indeed cancer. I couldn't speak. All I could do was type. Hoping at any moment my doctor would call back and say "My bad...I read that wrong."

I felt like a coward, a horrible friend to have to text this news. To even have to put this emotional burden on anyone else is bullshit. Then I was pissed off at all those same friends and family that assured me that it was going to turn out to be nothing. They lied. Clearly they cant be trusted.

The drive home was blurry, a foggy memory. I have no idea how I got there. More texts, finally some calls. To my brother..my baby brother I got the words out...through the tears..mine, his, my sister n law. Assurance, a plan, a promise to do whatever I need is what I got but I couldn't receive it then. I couldn't comprehend that any thing was ever going to be ok again.

Later, some members of my tribe showed up with food, wine, more plans and prayers. WE will get through this they said as we tried to find some humor in this awful situation. The tears come and go and do this weird surreal dance with the laughter in the room and I realize this will be my new normal. I also realize that I wont be able to survive this alone. Tonight, these folks are my saviors.

Emotionally exhausted but hopeful, I hug my friends as they all leave to go back to their cancer free lives. I envy them.

Silly enough to think sleep would have mercy on me this one night  I drift off praying for a miracle. Tossing and turning for hours I finally look at the clock.

 July 6th at 4:15 am.

I'm still here..and that is a miracle.

Day 194

Today's photo inspiration is #funny.

Funny how one little picture can change your life forever.

Day 184

Today's photo inspiration is #seasonal

"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The rains will come again." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Day 157 (Happy Birthday Malika)

Today's photo inspiration is #cement

I know this is just that..cement..a tombstone and nothing more. I always knew she wasn't there but it doesn't lessen my grief sometimes.

Today would be her 39th birthday and she remains where she has always been...in my heart.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there,

I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there.

I do not die.

- Mary Elizabeth Frye

National Poetry Month Bids Adieu

April came and went in a flash and while National Poetry Month is officially over I hope you will take an interest in poetry throughout the whole year.

I personally discovered some new amazing poets and hope you enjoyed the poetry posts I chose to note this month and will continue to showcase in the future.

On an even more personal level this past month has inspired me to pen a couple of my own here and here after having a very long creative slump. Hopefully, I can continue the trend.

In the meantime..I leave you with one of my favorite poems from Charles Bukowski

Here's to the bluebirds in all of our hearts...

Day 109

Today's Today's photo inspiration is #dedicated.

 This is dedicated to Boston..to Newton..to Chicago..to Syria..May all of their hearts..and our own break open and be filled with Grace, Love and Faith. 

Namaste.

Interested in where I got my keys??? 

The Giving Keys exists to employ those transitioning out of homelessness to engrave recycled keys that get sold and shared around the world. Each key necklace is unique and carries a message like HOPE, STRENGTH, DREAM or COURAGE. When the wearer of the key encounters someone else who needs the message on the key, they give it away and then tell us their story.

Enough of the Gun Violence!!! Demand A Plan!!!

I really have had enough..have you???  Here is how you can help....

DEMAND A PLAN!!!

Supernovas

feels like a million light

years in the past

that we were

bright

shining examples of love

we were

light

on the verge of

casting out shadows

and banishing dark clouds

of memories

that now seem too loud

to be silenced

but I will quiet my fears and take hold

as I must
of the reality of what we now are

its hard 
knowing that all this human dust

was once a star

a rare phenom

now imploded

and over

but once

a million times brighter

than the sun

supernovas

-Asabi

Ode to a lost one...

I only cried once for you today.

I felt a ghost of a kiss
and opened my eyes
half expecting you to be there.

Will you be the same
when we meet again?

Or just a faint resemblance
of someone I use to know.

-asabi

Scenes from the Courthouse metro

It's 10:20 p.m. I'm walking thru the station on my way home.

stalkerguy: Excuse me miss..don't I know you?
me: no.

(I start picking up my pace down the escalator. And so does he.)

stalkerguy: Hey, wait I do know you. I never forget a beautiful face. We met here before. I gave you my number. you never called.
me: No, you forced your card on me and I told you then that I wasn't interested. Then you stared me down on the train. I'm still not interested. So leave me alone..please.

(I walk further down the platform nervously awaiting the train. He follows.)

stalkerguy: Hey, I was just being friendly BITCH! Maybe you should try it sometime.

(I swallow the progressing anger and fear I'm feeling inside as I try to ignore him and fiddle with my ipod. There are just a few people around. They look more amused than concerned. I can hear the train coming thru the tunnel. And not soon enough.)

stalkerguy: It's not like I wont see you again.

(Shivers go up and down my spine when he says that. A few moments later I hurry on the train hoping he wont follow)

Thank God he doesn't. This time.

silent noir

waiting for you
is reminiscent
of watching
a old black and white movie
pretending
its in technicolor
pretending
i haven't seen this ending
a hundred times before
pretending
it hadn't made me cry
every time

-asabi

Where is the justice???

This amazing journalist dies and that pedophile R. Kelly gets off.

What a sad sad day. :(

Band-aids

I’m sitting here thinking about the events of the weekend and how I am so glad to finally be on the train.

I have my sunglasses on so no one can see my eyes are swollen with tears. I wish I was home already so I could do the undignified mascara running, snot dripping, talking in hiccuppy sentences cry. Cries like the ones you use to do when you were a kid and God forbid you miss the ice-cream truck and all of your friends are happily parading their freeze pops in your face and teasing you unmercifully.

But, instead I hold back so I am not furthermore known as the “crazy crying woman on the train” that some other blogger writes about. I hold back like I’ve been doing all weekend so the kids wouldnt see me all emo.

I was putting a band-aid on my niece Amaya this morning and she asked me why I looked sad. I lied and told her it was because my back was hurting and she asked me if I wanted a band-aid cause they always make her hurts feel better. I didn’t want her to worry cause her Auntie was distressed at the thought of her Daddy going away to Afghanistan (thank god for spell check cause I can never spell it right. As many times as I have to write it you would think I would know but it’s as if my mind wants to block out any comprehension of this country, let alone how to spell it) again.

I feel guilty that I am even allowing myself the luxury of sadness when it’s really my sister n law that has the real burden of being separated from her husband, lover and best friend till February. It is her that has to take care of 3 little ones who are already acting out today because they don’t understand why Daddy must go to “work” and won’t be back for a very long time.

The scene at the train station went better than expected. Amon is the last one I hug and I don’t want to let go. He laughs to stop me from crying and tells me he will be fine. He jokes that he is just going on a vacation and time will fly by. That he will email me often and send pic updates via Myspace. I nod and wipe my face because we all have to be strong for the kids.

I’ll try to sleep on the train but I know I won’t be able to. I know that there will be many more sleepless nights ahead until he is back again. I just hope I don’t have to go back to taking pills to keep the nightmares at bay.

I start to think about that real life nightmare when he was about 3 years old and I allowed him to wander off at the park instead of watching him like I was supposed to do. Our parents and everyone else in shouting distance looked for him for over an hour. I remember being so scared at the thought of him being lost forever. But being the smart ass that he was (and still is) he found a policeman and told him that “his mommy and daddy were lost and he needed help finding them”.

Thank God that story had a happy ending but the thought that his mommy and daddy are still perpetually “lost” and I am the only one in our immediate family to make the effort to see him off before deployment …makes me sad.

The thought of all those other children who are now living without fathers because they never came back from the same place he is going back to today….makes me sad.

But more so than anything the thought of my Little Boy Blue possibly not being able to find his way back home this time around makes my heart hurt and there isn’t a band-aid in the world big enough to fix it right now.

Death..the ultimate "bad hair" day

I was going to post a long tirade about my bad luck lately. I was going to complain about having to pay $500 the other day to get a boot off my car for a ticket that I didn't even know I had. I was in the midst of putting up the streamers for my pity party when I got this text from my friend Dawn. "KAREN DIED TODAY". It knocked the wind out of me. Karen was Dawn's best friend. I had only met her once but kept up with her life though conversations with Dawn. She was 34 and died of "natural causes". I could feel the inconsolable sadness coming from her when she told me what happen. She was numb and quite frankly so was I. It's always shocking to find out someone you actually met, had brunch with and hugged good-bye is no longer alive. I guess its one of those "For Whom the Bell Tolls" moments.

It just put so many things in perspective. It goes without saying that having a loved one die is the ultimate "bad hair day". It tops boots on cars, immature arguments, job disappointments, "he's just not that into you" moments and whatever other insignificant issues we get ourselves in a tizzy about.

I know we all get those "corny" emails reminding us how life is short, how every moment is precious, how we should never miss a chance to tell the ones we love how much they mean to us. But its true. Stop putting it off...visit them, call them, write them, forgive them, hug them, kiss them, fuckin' commit to them already!!!!

And if you don't love them why spend another moment wasting your time or theirs? Because the next 5 years, the next 1 year, the next month, the next day isn't promised. Just ask Karen's 8 month old son.