Friday July 5th 4:15 pm

The date and time I was told I had cancer.

I was in the process of getting my hair colored. I stepped outside of the salon for a bit of privacy when my doctor called but  I couldn't tell you much about the conversation. I don't really remember the details.

I went back in to a full bustling room of women in various stages of getting beautified. Laughing, gossiping, talking about the future. Happy. Oblivious.

How exactly does one act after being told they have cancer? Especially with just colored hair that needs to be rinsed out and blow dried.

I think its too red. too bright..jarring. I'll call it cancer red.

The room was different when I returned. The lighting, the smell, the size..it all became stiffing. Too much to bear. All I wanted to do was get home and get under the bed. I sat in the chair as I tried to keep it together, texting friends who were inquiring if I got the biopsy results back and replying that it was indeed cancer. I couldn't speak. All I could do was type. Hoping at any moment my doctor would call back and say "My bad...I read that wrong."

I felt like a coward, a horrible friend to have to text this news. To even have to put this emotional burden on anyone else is bullshit. Then I was pissed off at all those same friends and family that assured me that it was going to turn out to be nothing. They lied. Clearly they cant be trusted.

The drive home was blurry, a foggy memory. I have no idea how I got there. More texts, finally some calls. To my brother..my baby brother I got the words out...through the tears..mine, his, my sister n law. Assurance, a plan, a promise to do whatever I need is what I got but I couldn't receive it then. I couldn't comprehend that any thing was ever going to be ok again.

Later, some members of my tribe showed up with food, wine, more plans and prayers. WE will get through this they said as we tried to find some humor in this awful situation. The tears come and go and do this weird surreal dance with the laughter in the room and I realize this will be my new normal. I also realize that I wont be able to survive this alone. Tonight, these folks are my saviors.

Emotionally exhausted but hopeful, I hug my friends as they all leave to go back to their cancer free lives. I envy them.

Silly enough to think sleep would have mercy on me this one night  I drift off praying for a miracle. Tossing and turning for hours I finally look at the clock.

 July 6th at 4:15 am.

I'm still here..and that is a miracle.