Day 22

#Surprise! A empty drawer. I finally got the courage to clean out all my pre-mastectomy bras. Ready to get some cute lacy numbers for the new me. 

Day 21

Being able to stay home from work because of snow? #this_rules! Now I just need someone to shovel it :/ 

Music Mondays - Nature Boy

Nat King Cole's " Nature Boy"

There was a boy

A very strange enchanted boy

They say he wandered very far

Very far, over land and sea

A little shy and sad of eye

But very wise was he

And then one day, a magic day

He passed my way, and while we spoke

Of many things, fools and kings

This he said to me

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn

Is just to love and be loved in return"

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn

Is just to love and be loved in return"

Day 20

Sometimes my best #peace of mind is found at the bottom of my tea cup. 

Day 19

 #saving_for Italy..and a rainy day.

Week 4 Photo Challenges

Day 18

Showing off my new blinged out butterfly phone #accessory :)

Day 17

 What better way to #enjoy the weekend then with sushi...See what I did there?

Day 16

Picked from my bouquet. A #solo rose..even more beautiful on its own. 

Day 15

#currently_reading crazy sexy cancer diet book. 

Day 14

Not all those who wander are #lost. - J. R. R. Tolkien

Back to Life..Back to Reality

I feel like a spry school girl on the night before the first day of school. 

Excited...anxious...indecisive about what to wear. Except tomorrow is not the first day of school but my return to work after 5 months and I’m not feeling so spry right now as I’m still quite sore from the last two surgeries.

 But no matter, Wells Fargo Mortgage waits for no wo(man) and being on disability for so long has taken quite the toll on me financially; and while the generous donations over the past several months have helped tremendously it hardly keeps me in the luxurious life I’ve grown accustomed to (that’s a joke for all my fellow non-profit worker bees). This year brings new medical bills and concerns so I think it’s time to get back work even if it’s part time despite the residual physical issues. Time heals all wounds right?

 Besides, I’m tired of being home. I miss the interaction with my work family. Some more than others of course but generally speaking I am looking forward to reconnecting with them and picking up the good work I had to put down in August. And the stress that comes along with that good work? I don’t know I’m trying not to worry about it too much because it will just stress me out even more and that’s not good for anyone.

 So right now I’ll concentrate on the baby steps...gradually getting back to work and gradually getting back to life.

Day 13

#soft: How I began my first day back in the office..lovely hot pink roses from a even lovelier friend. 

Day 12

My peacock keeps watch on my bedroom's chandelier and has a great #birds_eye_view :) 

Week 3 Photo Challenges

Day 11

Smarter by Sunday..to #learn the essential in 52 weekends..how very convenient.

Day 10

After a day or so of being bedridden I progressed enough to take the post-surgery recovery party down the stairs and on the #cozy couch.

Day 7

 If I had my way my #daily ritual would include good wine and even better friends.

One More Surgery for the Win!!!

I braved the brutal cold today and went to my 3 week plastic surgeon check-up. Besides some residual pain and scar tissue issues at the incision site from the mastectomy, I seem to be healing pretty well. In fact, the doctor seemed quite pleased with her work. Good for her.  So it looks like I’m all set for yet another surgery tomorrow. Yep, you read right.

I will be having tubal ligation surgery at 8:30am tomorrow morning at Sibley Hospital and the closer it gets to tomorrow the more emotional I feel.  The fact is that after raising a 21 year old on my own I was pretty sure that I did not want any more children. But it’s one thing to make the decision on your own and entirely one other thing when the decision is made for you because of your circumstance.

And what exactly is my “circumstance”? I am ER/PR+/HEU2- which means that my particular type of cancer is fueled by hormones. The first thing I was told after being diagnosed was to stop taking birth control pills immediately. Which makes me question how much of a factor they played in causing the cancer to begin with..but that’s a different post.

For the next ten years (maybe more) I will have to take part in hormonal therapy in the form of a drug called Tamoxifen.  The good part is it suppresses my estrogen; the bad part is it suppresses my estrogen. So while it lessens my risk of reoccurrence it has some funky side effects, including hot flashes, wicked mood swings (so apologies if I have been bitchy), higher incidents of uterine cancer and birth defects.  Some women decide to go off of Tamoxifen for a period of time or forever in order to have children but that’s not a risk I want to take.

Besides, the whole thought of having to look into another child’s eyes like I had to do to my daughter and tell them that I have cancer and I don’t know if I’m going to die is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and I refuse to ever have to do that again.

So for all those reasons, with guidance from my doctors I have decided to get my “tubes tied”.  The surgery is a couple hours and recovery a couple of days or so but it’s not the physical scars and pain I’m so worried about. I know I will eventually get over it like I’ve had to get over everything else that has happened in the past 6-7 months...I have no choice.
But, for right now it sucks pretty bad. I guess the bright side is that I can put all that diaper money into the travel fund.

Love and Light,

Asabi

Day 6

 #please no more! A day at the dentist is never a fun time for me. :(

Day 5

#my_name_begins_with A..which can also stand for awesome..cause I am! :)

Week 2 Photo Challenges

Day 4

 #polka_dot mood lighting. 

Day 3

A #close_up of the fallen snow. I'm not a huge fan but there is a certain beauty in it.

Day 2

#from_where_I_stand the first snow of 2014 has fallen.

Out with the Old and in with the New..Year

Wow! What a year huh?

As I reflect on the past year I have to say it has been arguably the most pivotal year of my life. This time last year I was shouting out that 2013 was going to be the most incredible year ever and boy was I right. This was the year I was turning 40... this was the year I was taking that dream vacation to Italy…this was the year I dared to be hopeful, actually expectant of an amazing year.

One of my favorite quotes is “if you ever want to hear God laugh make a plan”. Well, it must have been like a Chris Rock show up in heaven this year.

So you all know the story by now. And forever more my life, my body and all that I am will be described in time periods of  “pre-cancer” and “post-cancer” and I’m learning to be ok with that.

This year has been such an education on the absolute best and worst that life has to offer.  I have lost some friendships and been disappointed by many who I thought would be right by my side though it all. And while the lack of support from some have sadden me, broken my heart even, It has taught me to redefine what I consider a friend and I’m grateful for that. I realize that some people you have to love from afar, wishing them well as you close the door behind you.

The overflow of love has by far outweighed the disappointments. Work mates have become friends and friends have become family and perfect strangers have come along this journey with me softening the rocky road with prayers and well wishes.

I don’t know what the future holds for me in 2014 but I have resolved myself to not allow God to have too many more laughs at my expense.  I am instead trying to give up my expectations of what my life should be up to Him.  There is something very freeing in knowing that your highest priority in this world is to live your best life..TODAY, while being faithful that all the other details will be worked out for your greatest good.

This year has taught me about resilience and humility, about not only being stronger than I ever thought I could be but even more importantly accepting the grace that comes with being vulnerable , fragile even.

Resolutions? I guess the obvious one would be to remain cancer free this year and forevermore. I’m also going to try and be a better friend, mother, sister and daughter. I’d like to also be open to finding and receiving the love of my life this year and allow myself the audacity to stand firm in my beliefs, ask for what I want and deserve, dream bigger than before and for goodness sake take that trip to Italy.

I am setting my intention for a year of victory ahead. ..And so it is.

Wishing the same for you.

Love and Light

Asabi

Day 1

#me and my traditional new years day dinner..come on good luck, health, wealth and all positive things for 2014! 

My 365 - 2013 Highlights

With all the fun I had last year with the picture a day project I've decided to try it again this year. Not only did it help me to look at the world with inquisitive eyes it allowed me to document but not solely concentrate on my cancer battle. There are always plenty of puppies and flowers to capture along with hospital shots.  

Since Project Life 365 is no longer facilitating the project this year I have been lucky enough to become familiar with other PL365 participants. Jill Marzion (along with other instagrammers) have started their own photo community called My 365. Again, it is on Instagram and you are welcome to join in. 

Just follow along at @my_365 and post a photo a day to match the theme. (there is no right or wrong!) themes are posted each week on the account.  use hashtag #my_365 and the theme for the day. 

Here are some of my favorite highlights for 2013..crazy year that it was. :)