#Au_revoir to the old me..bonjour to the new me..and in case you were wondering... Yes! They're fake..the real ones tried to kill me!
Goodbye projectlife365 I'm so proud of myself for committing to the end despite this years challenges. These are more than just pictures but windows into my heart. Thank you for coming along the journey with me. May 2014 bring us an even more beautiful story to share. Xoxo
I'm in here, can anybody see me? Can anybody help?
I'm in here, a prisoner of history, Can anybody help?
Can't you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now? I've been waiting for, You to come rescue me, I need you to hold, All of the sadness I can not, Living inside of me.
I'm in here, I'm trying to tell you something, Can anybody help?
I'm in here, I'm calling out but you can't hear, Can anybody help?
Can't you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now? I've been waiting for, You to come rescue me, I need you to hold, All of the sadness I can not, Living inside of me.
I'm crying out, I'm breaking down, I am fearing it all, Stuck inside these walls, Tell me there is hope for me Is anybody out there listening?
Can't you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now? I've been waiting for, You to come rescue me, I need you to hold, All of the sadness I can not, Living inside of me.
Can't you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now? I've been waiting for, You to come rescue me, I need you to hold, All of the sadness I can not, Living inside of me.
I'm in here, can anybody see me? Can anybody help?
"Love is friendship caught fire; it is quiet, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection, and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, hopes for the future, and does not brood over the past. It is the day-in and day-out chronicles of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories, and working toward common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you do not have it, no matter what else there is, it is not enough." - Laura Hendricks
Nothing like walking through my house and seeing all the cards folks have given me. When I'm feeling down I stop and read the greetings..its like an instant hug for my spirit.
Its not sometimes realistic to think magical things can happen in life and especially in love. But I'd like to think of it as a courageous act of defiance to keep believing in magic even when no one else does.
I'm in pain of course but surgery went as well as expected and definitely wasnt as bad as the first one. It will be awhile till i really see how "the girls" turned out as it can be several months for them to settle in but anything is better than the expanders so I'm just thankful they were finally removed.
I was nervous about it being an outpatient procedure but it worked out fine with my awesome friends who have been taking good care of me.
So for now I will be resting up for a couple of weeks and washing down my percocet with eggnog.
Again, Thank you guys for the well wishes and prayers.
The best Christmasgift I could have asked for was not just a successful reconstruction surgery but to have friends that love me enough to nurse me back to health..looks like I'm getting both :)
"For to be poised against fatality, to meet adverse conditions gracefully, is more than simple endurance; it is an act of aggression, a positive triumph." - Thomas Mann
Get out your tool belts folks! Today is Reconstruction Surgery Day! See what I did there? Funny…right? If you listen closely enough you can hear the sounds of my nervous laughter in the background. 167 days after I was diagnosed and 121 days after my double mastectomy…TODAY will be bittersweet for me. Today, all the King’s horses and em’ will try to put me back together again. Bittersweet because despite feeling tremendous gratitude for being alive and well enough to have reconstruction as an option the fact remains that this surgery is only one piece of my overall healing puzzle and is a painful reminder that my body, and for that matter my heart and spirit as well will be forever changed. With that being said, there’s no use in crying over spilled breast milk…you get it? BREAST milk? I’m hoping after an uneventful 3 hours I will not wake up sad, and although happy will be asking for too much I think it’s a fair compromise to have a certain amount of relief that my doctors were able to give me back a piece of what cancer so callously took away.
Here are the details: George Washington University Hospital -2:30pm -Expecting to return home late tonight
"When you love a man, he becomes more than a body. His physical limbs expand, and his outline recedes, vanishes. He is rich and sweet and right. He is part of the world, the atmosphere, the blue sky and the blue water." - Gwendolyn Brooks
There must have been an angel by my side Something heavenly led me to you Look at the sky It's the color of love There must have been an angel by my side Something heavenly came down from above He led me to you He led me to you He built a bridge to your heart All the way How many tons of love inside I can't say
When I was led to you I knew you were the one for me I swear the whole world could feel my heartbeat When I lay eyes on you Ay ay ay You wrapped me up in The color of love
You gave me the kiss of life Kiss of Life You gave me the kiss that's like The kiss of life
Wasn't it clear from the start Look the sky is full of love Yeah the sky is full of love He built a bridge to your heart All the way How many tons of love inside I can't say
You gave me the kiss of life Kiss of Life You gave me the kiss that's like The kiss of life
You gave me the kiss of life Kiss of Life You gave me the kiss that's like The kiss of life
You gave me the kiss of life Kiss of Life You gave me the kiss that's like The kiss of life
You wrapped me up in the color of love Must have been an angel come down from above Giving me love yeah Giving me love yeah
You gave me the kiss of life Kiss of Life You gave me the kiss of life The kiss of life
A week from today (December 19th) I will FINALLY be having my reconstruction surgery! Not that I am super excited about going under the knife again, in fact I'm pretty scared but this is a major step in my healing journey and I am thankful I've made it this far. Several people (especially men) have been extremely confused about my "boob status" since when they see me in person on in pictures it appears I have a pretty rockin' stack despite the fact that I had a double mastectomy in August. So the assumption is that I have already been "reconstructed". The answer is yes and no. While it varies from woman to woman, in my particular case immediate reconstruction was not an option because at the time of my mastectomy surgery it was not known if the cancer had spread or if I would need chemo and/or radiation. Typically, doctors do not like to “reconstruct” or put in permanent implants before radiation because radiation may increase the likelihood of capsular contracture (scar tissue that severely contracts around the implant), necrosis (tissue death), and extrusion (bulging through skin). Instead, once the cancer was removed along with all my breast tissue flat “expanders” were placed under my chest muscle wall. Tissue expanders are temporary “implants”/medical devices/INSTRUMENTS OF TORTURE that are used to make new breast pockets for the permanent implants. So after a month of healing from the mastectomy surgery I started getting the expanders “filled” with saline. They have a metal forward facing port that the doctor would access via needle and syringe and fill it up 50-100 cc’s at a time. So by Late October I was filled to the brim with 510 cc of sexy saline. The expanders have to be hard enough to push out the muscle so you can imagine the potential pain that can come with that. Unfortunately for me my body wanted the expanders to kick rocks immediately and that’s when my neuropathy set in. Nerve pain is excruciating and even though I have been on tons of meds it has been at best annoyingly achy and at its worst completely debilitating. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even remember what it was like to not wake up in pain…weird huh? Anywho, that’s why it looks I’m back to “normal” but I’m not. These temporary minions of the devil will be no more in just seven days. They will be replaced with SOFT silicone implants in a hopefully smooth operation at George Washington University Hospital. My prayer is that if not immediately maybe in time the nerve pain will subside and I will gain some sanity back. I think I will do another post on my implant decisions later but in the meantime if you are dying to know more about expanders, or reconstruction, or the evil capsular contracture check out my learning links section. Well, that’s all for now. Love and Light Asabi
Our Angel takes her place on top the newly decorated tree making the house festive in just enough time to bring some much needed spirit in this bish. ;)
"Comedy is a way to make sense of chaos. It's a way of dealing with things that are overwhelming, that threaten you; it's a way to survive and get closer to the truth." - Laura Linney
"...Yet winter is not without its beauty. On a sunless day, the grays merge to form a somber and peacefullandscape. Think of the silhouette of a leafless tree. Its leafy abundance may be missing, but its beauty is still intact." - Leslie Levine
Current state of emotions: annoyance and wonder. Its amazing how many times a crazy person will sit next to me on the metro. Even on a nearly empty train. O_o
Two weeks till my surgery and its time to pick out implants! round or oval, textured or smooth? So many decisions. I'd rather have my old ones back but I digress...
