Day 212

Today's photo inspiration is #childhood

The cutest little teddy-bear featured at the Teddy & The Bully Bar. You can't help but think of your childhood memories when you see one.

Day 211

Today's photo inspiration is #orange.

 Feeling bright and happy in my new beautiful orange necklace made by my talented friend Danielle.

Music Mondays - Breathe

Delilah's Breathe

I am strong when I'm quiet

I never let you see me stall

I can hate what you say and still smile

Only play on an open court

I am the ringleader of my own circle

Fall on my knees and I won't bleed

Set me on fire and I'll fall to sleep

The pain of my scolds sets me free

I can not Breathe (yeah)

Let me be free (yeah) from myself

Drown me in silence and suddenly I'm floating

I rip me apart with one look

Use my heart as a crutch for my ego

And hope that I never never fall in love

I can not Breathe (yeah)

Let me be free (yeah) from myself

I must survive

This wonderful punishment called life

Use my heart and unravel it

My innocence is all gone

Torn apart and I can't handle it

My innocence is all gone

I can not Breathe (yeah)

Let me be free (yeah) from myself

I must survive

This wonderful punishment called life

This wonderful punishment called life

Day 210

Today's photo inspiration is #mail.

Pretty nice to work right next to the Dupont Post Office. All the mail a girl could want. 

Day 209

Today's photo inspiration is #family.

Friends that help you paint (without complaint) are automatically family. How blessed I am.

Week 31 Photo Challenges

Day 208

Today's photo inspiration is #bold

 New colors for my guest room walls. Its guess its not bold at all. I'm going for relaxation, a subtle zen quality. I'm dreaming of Lavender fields at nightfall in Provence, France. And Looking forward to making it a nice space. 

Day 207

Today's inspiration is #for_the_win.

Lovely flowers from my booski Tahisha  for the win. Thank you! 

Day 206

Today's photo inspiration is #next_door

My lovely neighborhood.

Day 205

Today's photo inspiration is #unexpected

Nothing more appreciated and loved than an unexpected card sent from a friend.

Day 204

Today's photo inspiration is #fruity

Strawberry Macaroons. Yummy and fruity.

Day 203

Today's photo inspiration is #anticipate

Ahoy! It's a boy! Made my day to be able to anticipate and celebrate the upcoming bundle of joy with the lovely Emily and family.

Music Mondays - Scar

Lucy Rose's "Scar"

If I were brave enough to

Ask you to stay

Would that scar upon your lip

Move and come my way

Watch your eyes change from

Blue and back to green

Something deep inside of me is

Telling me to leave

But I don't want to have to let you go

Let this part of me

Remember how lovely we are, we are

If you saw in my mind

How I felt

You would hold me tight

And ask nothing else

I want you but I hate to say those words

But here I am

Standing right in front of you

Asking for a hand

But I don't want to have to let you go

Let this part of me

Remember how lovely we were, we were, we were, we were

If I don't get out

If I don't get out

If I don't get out

I have to leave somehow

But I'll never leave this town

Help me through this

Help me through this

Help me through this

Help me

You said you would be waiting

For me.

Reflections on week two

If you are lucky, a couple of weeks come and go without much notice and in most cases you breeze by them with nary a scratch. Not so much for me. Arguably the most difficult two weeks of my life I wonder what the next couple of weeks and months hold in store for me. 

It's been a whirlwind of internet research, doctor appointments, work responsibilities, losing a friend and promising relationship, financial issues, phone calls, crying, anxiety attacks, kisses, cyberhugs, real hugs and lots of wine.

Folks have been amazing in their reactions. Amazingly good and amazingly bad. 

One friend suggests running a tally of all the free meals and drinks I have gotten out of "This". It's substantial and hopefully will keep coming.

"This" has also gotten me tons of free advice. 

From the obvious..
cut out sugar and processed foods
To the unheard of..
try Mangosteen juice and sour sop and mushroom pills 
To the absolutely stunning..
"Have you thought that maybe "This" is a wake up call of sorts since you may or may not pray or read the bible enough?"

Yes..you read that right. 

And for the record my relationship with God is between us. But just in case you were wondering...

GOD DOES NOT PUNISH. 
God does not give you Cancer. God does not break you down. 
Life does that.

And if you are lucky you have enough faith and grace to be lifted and built back up. 

I'm still honestly working on that. I feel very tired right now and depending on the hour sometimes my spirit feels broken...absolutely irreparable. 

But then I get a call, a text, a visit, a inappropriate joke, a facebook message and all are reminders that God exists in every. single. person. that has decided to help me through my journey.

So armed with that belief and the plenitude of free meals and drinks I'll be getting.. I will take each hour as it comes, even the bad ones cause that's all I can do right now with "This".

Week 30 Photo Challenges

Day 202

Today's Photo inspiration is #currently_reading.

A borrowed book from my bestie Heather. Light for my path..very much needed.

Day 201

Today's photo inspiration is #fast

Meze Strawberry Mojitos. Sip it slow because the buzz hits you fast!

Day 200

Today's photo inspiration is #grainy

Written in sugar and sent in love.

Thank you for all the well wishes, prayers and good thoughts..it helps.

Day 199

Today's photo inspiration is #weakness

A great cup of  Chai tea might be my weakness but it also takes me to my happy place and keeps me strong.

Day 198

Today's photo inspiration is #my_love

 aka Chynadoll and the three Musketeers.

Day 197

Today's photo inspiration is #tick_tock

Happy hour...is sometimes the best hour of the day.

Day 196

Today's photo inspiration is #vintage.

One of my favorite dresses.

Music Mondays - Melt My Heart To Stone

Adele's " Melt My Heart to Stone"

Right under my feet
There's air
Made of bricks
Pulls me down
Turns me weak
For you
I find myself
Repeating like
A broken tune
And I'm forever
Excusing
Your intentions
And I give in
To my pretendings
Which forgive you
Each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart
To stone

[Chorus:]
And I hear your words
That I made up
You say my name
Like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head
I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love

Each and every time
I turn around to leave
I feel my heart
Begin to burst
And bleed
So desperately
I try to link it
With my head
But instead
I fall back
To my knees
As you tear your way
Right through me
I forgive you
Once again
Without me knowing
You've burnt
My heart to stone

(Chorus)

Why do you
Steal my hand
Whenever
I'm standing
My own ground
You build me up
Then leave me dead

Friday July 5th 4:15 pm

The date and time I was told I had cancer.

I was in the process of getting my hair colored. I stepped outside of the salon for a bit of privacy when my doctor called but  I couldn't tell you much about the conversation. I don't really remember the details.

I went back in to a full bustling room of women in various stages of getting beautified. Laughing, gossiping, talking about the future. Happy. Oblivious.

How exactly does one act after being told they have cancer? Especially with just colored hair that needs to be rinsed out and blow dried.

I think its too red. too bright..jarring. I'll call it cancer red.

The room was different when I returned. The lighting, the smell, the size..it all became stiffing. Too much to bear. All I wanted to do was get home and get under the bed. I sat in the chair as I tried to keep it together, texting friends who were inquiring if I got the biopsy results back and replying that it was indeed cancer. I couldn't speak. All I could do was type. Hoping at any moment my doctor would call back and say "My bad...I read that wrong."

I felt like a coward, a horrible friend to have to text this news. To even have to put this emotional burden on anyone else is bullshit. Then I was pissed off at all those same friends and family that assured me that it was going to turn out to be nothing. They lied. Clearly they cant be trusted.

The drive home was blurry, a foggy memory. I have no idea how I got there. More texts, finally some calls. To my brother..my baby brother I got the words out...through the tears..mine, his, my sister n law. Assurance, a plan, a promise to do whatever I need is what I got but I couldn't receive it then. I couldn't comprehend that any thing was ever going to be ok again.

Later, some members of my tribe showed up with food, wine, more plans and prayers. WE will get through this they said as we tried to find some humor in this awful situation. The tears come and go and do this weird surreal dance with the laughter in the room and I realize this will be my new normal. I also realize that I wont be able to survive this alone. Tonight, these folks are my saviors.

Emotionally exhausted but hopeful, I hug my friends as they all leave to go back to their cancer free lives. I envy them.

Silly enough to think sleep would have mercy on me this one night  I drift off praying for a miracle. Tossing and turning for hours I finally look at the clock.

 July 6th at 4:15 am.

I'm still here..and that is a miracle.

Day 195

Today's photo inspiration is #crisp.

Cool Ranch Doritos..crisp and delicious. I'm gonna miss you...sigh.

Week 29 Photo Challenges

Day 194

Today's photo inspiration is #funny.

Funny how one little picture can change your life forever.

Day 193

Today's photo inspiration is #strange.

So strange that lately the most random things..things I wouldn't have ever noticed before like a branch of dead leaves have been vying for my attention..wanting to be seen..wanting to be noticed as well..wanting to be valued just as much as the living.

Day 192

Today's photo inspiration is #park.

Beautiful Allen Pond Park in Bowie. My backyard. Looking forward to having the time to appreciate it more.

Day 191

Today's photo inspiration is #innocence.

Or lack thereof.

Day 190

Today's Photo inspiration is #me_time

Long Day. :/

Day 189

Today's photo inspiration is #in the details.

It's where God is.

Music Mondays - Break

Selah Sue's Break

At all

How long will it take before I make the big mistake

And how long will it take before my eyes speak out the truth

How hard will I break when all the rules no longer stand

And thoughts are running out of air

How hard will I fall when I can't deal with this at all

It's getting darker, break my wall but no one gets my point at all

At all, at all, at all

At all, at all

And how long will it take before the mask falls off my face

And how long will it take before my eyes speak out the truth

How hard will I break when all the rules no longer stand

And thoughts are running out of air

How hard will I fall when I can't deal with this at all

It's getting darker, break my wall but no one gets my point at all

At all, at all

Day 188

Today's photo inspiration is #glass.

Holding my glass high and celebrating life with my tribe.

Week 28 Photo Challenges

Day 187

Today's photo inspiration is #the old me

Day 186

Today's photo inspiration is #spark

"There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity." - Washington Irving

Day 185

Today's photo inspiration is #independent

#in·de·pend·ent - adjective

 free.

Truth

Day 184

Today's photo inspiration is #seasonal

"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The rains will come again." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Day 183

Today's photo inspiration is #footware.

Nervous foot-ware. The latest in doctor office gear. :/ 

Day 182

Today's photo inspiration is #you_today.

This too shall pass.

Music Mondays - I Try

Angela Bofill's version of "I Try"

I tried to do

The best i can for you

But it seems not enough

And you know i care

Even when you're not there

But it's not what you want

You close your door

When i wanna give you more (i wanna give you)

And i feel, i feel so out of place

And you know it's true

Don't you think i'm good enough for you???

Can't you see (can't you see)

That you're hurting me

And i want this pain, i want this pain to stop

So if you really care, i mean, if you really really care

Then open up your heart to me

Yes...open up to me, to me, to me, to me

And i really really tried

You know that i try

And i try and i try and i try to make you

And i try, and tried and i tried and i tried and i tired and tried

You know that i tried

And i need to be with you

I tried...i need you

You know that i wanted

I'll do anything to keep you satisfied my love (to see you through)

Because i want you and i need you

You know that i tried

I tried, i tried...