Third...

Every one of Katie's friends, family and loved ones knows what this refers to by now.

It was the last words of her goodbye post before she succumbed to cancer last week. Some have taken it as a “rallying cry” to live audaciously, to love more, and in her own words, live “a big, bold, brave and beautiful life."

Her loving husband Andrew asked us to "fill in the blank" on what we think Katie might say to us personally if she had the chance. 

What would she say to me if I had made it in time to visit her before she died?  To be honest, the possibility haunts me.  

I'm sure the message would be filled with words I would not be completely ready to receive, like.. "love yourself more”, like.. “stop carrying the proverbial world on your shoulders”, like.. “give me a hug because this is goodbye”.

I don't pretend to be a life long friend of Katie. I am just a fellow “Cancer Ninja” (what Katie lovingly refers to our community) and we met 3 years ago at the Smith Center cancer support group for young adults. I was freshly diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer and was days away from a bilateral mastectomy when I went to my first meeting. I remember sitting in a circle scared to death, surrounded by a motley crew of YACS, men and women, some in their early 20s, some who looked just as shell shocked as I felt. In the beginning Katie was just like everyone else, just a new supporting character in my own personal hell and I couldn't really fathom in those first weeks and months in "cancer land" how much she and others in that room, would, in the years to come, graduate from being strangers, to friends, to family.

See, us Cancer Ninjas, we are a sadistic bunch. We bond and fall in love with people that we know may some day die and break our hearts. But still we do it over and over again. 

One of my favorite pictures of Katie and I was taken in April 2014 at what I jokingly refer to as the Stupid Cancer “Final Destination” Happy Hour. So many of our friends that attended that event are no longer with us today and one must wonder how does the average person deal with constantly being reminded of their own mortality without the help of a lot of wine, bourbon, legal and illegal substances or all of the above.  
Unfortunately, it comes with the territory and If you are like Katie you would at least try and do it with courage, perseverance and a healthy dose of “this is some bullshit”.

I think our bond was cemented in February 2015 when I attended the funeral of our fellow comrade Michael with her and Andrew. Sharing tearful glances and tissues we comforted each other as we sat in the fourth aisle of the church watching our friend being laid to rest. Even then she had a steadier emotional hand than I did, so it doesn't surprise me now that the quiet girl with the beautiful blue eyes I met 3 years ago would find her voice and become an inspirational expert of sorts in how to navigate the pitfalls of "cancer land" with determination and grace.

This is why it hurts so damn much.

To have someone so brilliant in spirit and so universally loved to be taken away cements the idea that sometimes no matter how much you hope, no matter how much you pray, no matter how much you bargain with the universe..things will not turn out okay. 

So what happens to one's faith? And how do you pick up and move on from there?  

So..yeah. I don't have all the answers but I do know as sad and weary as I am today I have no choice but to begrudgingly join Katie's “Courage Club.” 

I have to keep on moving, dancing, celebrating and loving every moment I can for her and all the countless others for whom the bells continue to toll.

Katie, thank you for being a hope pusher, a truth teller and an inspiration to us all in the middle of this grenade filled battleground that we reside. Thank you for introducing me to First Descents and encouraging me to take that amazing trip. Because of that push, I am forever "Perch" to your "Crush" and I now have widen my circle with even more beautiful spirits.

I was really looking forward to getting my signed copy of your book so I could brag about my friend and her awesome accomplishments but I realize now that you have instead made an indelible mark on my heart and that is certainly priceless and worth praising. 

One day I hope to be able to forgive you for breaking my heart but for now, today, I will honor you and help lay you to rest with Andrew, your family and friends, our FD tribe and YAC community. We are sad and battle weary but we send you home with so much love and light.

Until we meet again...

"Third..."